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March 28th, 2011 (04:35 pm)
current location: My Bed
current mood: Alone

 I'm sitting here, staring at the razor. Thinking to myself why stop, why not start. Why fight it anymore. Why not just give up. Nothing I do or say can make you understand how I feel. Nobody gets it. Nobody's listening. Nobody's reading this. Its like I'm screaming for help in a room full of deaf people.. I'm there. I'm at the point where I give up. On everything. On love. On family. On friends. On life. A couple days ago I had a few friends texting me about how worried they were about me... but they haven't even tried checking on me. For all they know I could already be dead. They wouldn't care. I feel so alone. So forgotten. I want to die & nobody cares. So why cant I pick it up? Why cant I do it? Why am I still screaming for help in this stupid room filled with deaf people? I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of waking up with tears in my eyes. I'm tired of feeling empty and having no way to fill the emptiness. I try to reach for help n nobody understands.. Am I speaking another language?! I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground... but my head is already in the noose.. Just waiting for me to slip, to loose my balance. My music has changed. I sleep as much as possible. I rarely eat. My mood twists &  turns. The smallest things make me cry. I have no energy to do anything. Not even to fix myself. I'm so broken, n I cant fix it. I feel like I have no chance. No options. No way out. I feel trapped. I use to be so happy... I use to smile. I use to feel.. Now all I feel is numbness. I use to dream of happy things.. now I have nightmares of being alone. I want to cut. I want to watch the blood leave my body, like I had to watch everything else leave me. Everybody always says they will be there for you... but its all a lie. Nobody is here for me anymore. I try to be there for everyone else. I don't know how many of my friends I have talked out of suicide... Look how many of them have come running when I need help. None. But thats humanity right? Live together, Die alone? How fare is that? I just want someone to help me like I did them, but they all turned there back on me. I mean nothing to anybody. I'm the shit on the bottom of your shoes. I'm the trash that has sat in front of your house for months. Will you miss the shit on your shoes? The garbage in front of your house? No.. Maybe at first its a shock that its gone.. but life goes on. Soon you wont even remember. Soon I wont even be a memory. Just a faint sting in the back of your head. So when my family tries to say they didn't know, or that I could have turned to them... I did. I tried everyone in different ways.. But they weren't listening.


Posted by: Sweetfhawn (sweetfhawn)
Posted at: March 29th, 2011 12:57 am (UTC)

I am listening. I love you. Know that. I hope your read this and my last comment.
But remember I wrote this...
Every memory remains
as the days pass quickly by
as I look upon the past
my heart just wants to cry

we were always together
through the good times and the bad
I try to keep a smile
but I can’t fight the feeling sad

your laugh was addicting
and so was your smile
now everything's changing
and I'm stuck in denial

the person that has changed
at first I thought was you
but I realize now it’s me
but it’s not I changed, but grew

everyone will change
and everyone will grow
but I will always forever love you
and that I hope you know

guys got in the middle
and other factors too
I guess one thing that’s changing
is that I'm now jealous of you

I miss so many things
about the way it used to be
we both have made mistakes
not "just" you or not "just" me

I miss all of the good times
like when we'd talk all night long
or when we'd belt out the lyrics
to an old barney song

when we'd fall over laughing
and we wouldn't know why
all the hugs you gave me
when all I'd do is cry

I miss your blond moments
and the things we would say
acting like stoners
day after day

I miss when we'd talk
for hours on end
but I think most of all
I just miss my best friend

In Memory Of the Friendship That Is far away, The one that makes me Cry All the Time

I still mean it. I will always will be there, and Always love you. Even if I don't send a text everyday, or call. Your still with me. I could never replace you in my heart. You mean a lot to me, and it really hurts to hear you say no one cares, but i understand because I cant be there everyday. But I am always a phone a way. If you need to get out of your house call me. Me and Branden have a car now. I will come get you!

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