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lovethehaters [userpic]

How Do I Tell him?

August 5th, 2017 (03:09 pm)

Why are you still here he ask?
I'm holding onto the last grasp of happiness I had..
Why are you so quiet?
If I open my mouth and you don't like what you hear its a screaming crying mess that ruins a whole day.
What can I do to make you happy?
I don't think I can be happy, I'm so broken inside.
What did I do wrong?
What did I do wrong to loose such a HUGE part of my life?
Can we fix our relationship?
How do I tell him the relationship is fine? It's me that's broken.
How do I fix me?
It's been 5 years & I still feel like I just found out.. It still feels like I can't breath.. I can't smile.. I can't live..
How do I tell him?

lovethehaters [userpic]

He says i changed when my mom died.

August 4th, 2017 (10:55 pm)

He says I changed when she died. A huge chunk of me did die. He says I haven't tried since she left. I feel empty & useless. He says he wants the old me back. So do I. He asks why I'm still here if I'm not happy. I think I'm clinging to the last memory of happiness. Why am I here?

lovethehaters [userpic]

Mommy

June 25th, 2015 (10:42 am)

Happy birthday mommy!! I can't believe how long you have been gone. I feel so alone without you. I didn't only loose my mom. I lost my best friend. My only friend that has stuck with me through the years. Thick n thin. Fun and bad. I talked to you about everything!! I'm still so mad at you for leaving me. Its so hard without you. I never knew how much you did for me. For josh! You were a great mom!! No matter what I or anyone else says!! I couldn't have asked for a better more carrying mom. Even if I didn't realize it than, I realize it now. I guess its true, you never really know what you have till its gone. And now your gone and I have nothing left. I lost all want to better myself. All want to move on. To have a family. All I want is to go back in time. Back to the basement in Kent. Back to you, josh, marina and boomer. Thats what I want. N that's what I cant have. :( I love you mommy!! More than anyone knows. I miss you so much it hurts. I cant sleep. I can't eat. I cant smile. I just am...
Happy birthday mommy
I love you

lovethehaters [userpic]

You don't know me anymore

December 20th, 2014 (12:56 am)

I miss the old days. I miss when everything was easy. Shit happens, n things change. I'm not who I use to be. I've changed alot since than. You can say you miss me, but you dint know me anymore. Its been like 5 years since we were together. I've been with Kyle for 4 years. N I have changed dramatically since than. Between loosing my mom, moving to the sticks and living completely on our own. It changes a person. And you cant possible be the same person either. As much as I wish you were. As much as I miss the old days with you Kyra n mom.. Its all different now. I had so many high hopes for myself when i was with you, so happy n full of smiles. Now I work 5 days a week at a damn gas station. Glad I graduated for that. I live pay check to pay check. Its so much harder than my mom made it look. I fake smile every day at work. I swear my town is so small n I fake happiness so well that I could win the peppiest person in town award. N it would be a lie. Shits been tuff the last few years. I haven't taken my moms death very well. I'm a whole new person.
I will always love you in my heart but I will never know if its only the memories or if it would actually work. But for now I'm with Kyle, n I love him. We do good together. We have hard times but we get through them. I'm sorry. Dont think I haven't forgotten you! You had me. You pushed me away. I even waited. I'm sorry. <3

lovethehaters [userpic]

I Miss My Mommy

May 10th, 2012 (02:07 pm)
cold

current location: My Dads
current mood: cold
current song: Fuckin Perfect by Pink

 

The King County Medical Examiner's Office has positively identified a body found in a burned out car over the weekend as 39-year-old Denise Kay Grigsby from the Kent area, a Sheriff's Office press release said today.

Mountain View firefighters responded to a report of a fully engulfed car fire in the area of S.E. 328th Street and S.E. Auburn-Black Diamond Road Sunday morning. It was then that fire investigators discovered Grigsby's burned remains in the trunk of the car.

According to the King County Medical Examiner’s Office the cause of death is listed as homicidal violence.

King County Sheriff’s Office major crimes detectives and fire investigators will be processing the car for evidence today.



BLACK DIAMOND, Wash. -- The medical examiner has identified the remains found inside a torched carover the weekend. 

Denise K. Grigsby, 39, of Kent died of a skull fracture and cerebral contusions, according to the King County Medical Examiner's Office. Her manner of death has been ruled as homicide. 

King County Sheriff's spokeswoman Sgt. Katie Larson said a neighbor spotted the car on fire on SE 328th Street at SE Auburn Black Diamond Road at about 4:10 a.m. Sunday.

Fire crews responded to the scene and found a Toyota Camry engulfed in flames.

After the fire was extinguished, an investigator was called in and made a grisly discovery - the burned remains of a body in the trunk of the car, Larson said.

She said detectives from the King County sheriff's major crimes unit quickly responded to the scene and began meticulously collecting evidence.

A forensics team is now going over every inch of the car to find clues about the killer.

"We're going to recover evidence," Larson said. "There is going to be trace and hopefully other physical evidence that will help us move forward."

Jacob Ramos, the neighbor who spotted the car fire and called 911, said the flames were shooting about five feet above the car.

"It was a lot of thick black smoke .... It was a pretty big fire," he said.

Ramos is now haunted by the knowledge that it wasn't just a car fire, but something worse.

"It's strange. It's very strange and weird to know that there's people like that out here - and somebody that could do that," he said.

Other neighbors in the rural, heavily-wooded area say it is usually very peaceful there, and is a favorite destination for weekend bicycling groups.

"Things like this doesn't happen around here," said Toby Benson, who lives nearby.

Denny Dennis, another neighbor, said, "I mean, it's so quiet out here." Then he added, "Hopefully they got here soon enough so they can figure out what happened. But, I mean, it's horrible."

Anyone with information about the incident is asked to call the King County Sheriff's Office or 911.

"This is an egregious crime," Larson said. "This woman is murdered, and then her body is burned beyond recognition."


lovethehaters [userpic]

You Abandoned Me

May 14th, 2011 (08:48 pm)
current location: Not my room, but it was
current mood: Alone
current song: I'm Sorry - Brokencyde

Yeah, i left, but only because i thought it would get better, work itself out.. I think i'm worse off here. I pretend to be happy. I pretend not to let this stuff bug me but it does. I cant handle all this. This was suppose to be easier. Less stressful. I wasn't suppose to get more depressed.. I wasn't suppose to hope a car would hit me, or to find a secret stash of pills, or a missing razor blade. It was suppose to be happy. I feel like the odd one out. N now I have nothing. I tried, n failed. What am i suppose to do now? I guess i lost. I failed. I really tried though. I really did. This was a mistake. N now i have nowhere to go. I lost one of my only TRUE friends. I lost my ability to smile. I don't want to feel like this. I cant anymore. This has been MONTHS!! Theres like 4 ppl on Earth who actually care. N obviously smoking doesn't help anymore. really, what am i suppose to do now??? Where's home? My home? Where i actually belong?! Where I fit.. Just point me in the right direction!!! I don't know what to do at all anymore!!! Watch me throw down the give up card. Watch me do it. Cuz u didn't try to stop me this time. You didn't even bother to respond. You abandoned me. I didn't leave you, you left me. I'm shaking, i can't eat, can't sleep. I worry about you all the time, you don't even care. Why pretend to care if its just a lie? Lie. Haha Love Is Everything. The ultimate lie as it turns out. I feel like dying n the only person who can help me just doesn't care. The only person who knows the real me, as i am now. Its like i fell n everybody's walking on me, nobody stops to help me up, its just mud under there shoes. Thats how i feel. Like dog shit. I feel nasty. Like nobody wants me around. Like i'm being passed back n forth between people who don't want me in the first place. I don't wanna do this anymore.. i really don't. I'm fine with being called a coward at this point. Nobody gets how i feel anyways.

Goodbye,

Jessimaka

lovethehaters [userpic]

Screaming Mayday-Dot Dot Curve

May 2nd, 2011 (06:40 pm)
depressed

current location: My Bed
current mood: depressed
current song: Screaming Mayday Dot Dot Curve


And for just a second, as my head hit my pillow, my brain cleared. All thoughts gone. & Laying here next to you and boomer... It was perfect.

lovethehaters [userpic]

Another

March 29th, 2011 (06:58 pm)
stressed

current location: My Bed
current mood: stressed

 Yeah. Even after not taking the stupid Nyquil I still had a nightmare. It even woke me up. Didn't think I'd have another one. It was scary. I don't exactly wanna talk about it... But it was straight from the heart. It's like my worst fears are becoming my nightmares. I don't think I wanna try N sleep again soon...

lovethehaters [userpic]

Plzzz

March 28th, 2011 (04:35 pm)
current location: My Bed
current mood: Alone

 I'm sitting here, staring at the razor. Thinking to myself why stop, why not start. Why fight it anymore. Why not just give up. Nothing I do or say can make you understand how I feel. Nobody gets it. Nobody's listening. Nobody's reading this. Its like I'm screaming for help in a room full of deaf people.. I'm there. I'm at the point where I give up. On everything. On love. On family. On friends. On life. A couple days ago I had a few friends texting me about how worried they were about me... but they haven't even tried checking on me. For all they know I could already be dead. They wouldn't care. I feel so alone. So forgotten. I want to die & nobody cares. So why cant I pick it up? Why cant I do it? Why am I still screaming for help in this stupid room filled with deaf people? I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of waking up with tears in my eyes. I'm tired of feeling empty and having no way to fill the emptiness. I try to reach for help n nobody understands.. Am I speaking another language?! I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground... but my head is already in the noose.. Just waiting for me to slip, to loose my balance. My music has changed. I sleep as much as possible. I rarely eat. My mood twists &  turns. The smallest things make me cry. I have no energy to do anything. Not even to fix myself. I'm so broken, n I cant fix it. I feel like I have no chance. No options. No way out. I feel trapped. I use to be so happy... I use to smile. I use to feel.. Now all I feel is numbness. I use to dream of happy things.. now I have nightmares of being alone. I want to cut. I want to watch the blood leave my body, like I had to watch everything else leave me. Everybody always says they will be there for you... but its all a lie. Nobody is here for me anymore. I try to be there for everyone else. I don't know how many of my friends I have talked out of suicide... Look how many of them have come running when I need help. None. But thats humanity right? Live together, Die alone? How fare is that? I just want someone to help me like I did them, but they all turned there back on me. I mean nothing to anybody. I'm the shit on the bottom of your shoes. I'm the trash that has sat in front of your house for months. Will you miss the shit on your shoes? The garbage in front of your house? No.. Maybe at first its a shock that its gone.. but life goes on. Soon you wont even remember. Soon I wont even be a memory. Just a faint sting in the back of your head. So when my family tries to say they didn't know, or that I could have turned to them... I did. I tried everyone in different ways.. But they weren't listening.

lovethehaters [userpic]

Nightmares

March 28th, 2011 (02:19 pm)
depressed

current location: My Bed
current mood: depressed
current song: Take My Picture - Dot Dot Curve

 The first I was in a hospital bed. I was strapped down to the bed. I couldn't move. Nobody was there. I was completely alone. The nurses and doctors had no faces, they spoken in a different language. I cried when they stuck me with the needles. I couldn't reach the water, or the phone. Nobody came to see me, nobody came to tell me what happened, I was alone.

The second was more vivid. It was more of a story though. My mom came home alone at work, I was in the bath tube, bleeding to death. She sent me to a mental hospital. When I was talking to a shrink, I told him what was going on, the scary thing was... what I told him is what I would say right now. It wasn't made up issues. It was truth. Truth of right now! Just like the first, nobody came to see me, nobody called to check in on me. Nobody wrote me. Nobody cared. I told the shrink how I felt about this. The next time I saw the shrink my mom was there. She tried to hug me when I walked in, but I went around her. I looked her in the eyes & asked her if the mental hospital paid her to come. She looked at the floor. I crawled into a ball on the floor and uncontrollably cried. She left. They put me back in my "room". White walls, two single beds, no pictures, no windows. My very own hell.

This might not seem scary to you... but it is for me. Because its true, if something happened N I had to go to the hospital nobody would come see me. My dad wouldn't take the time off work. My mom wouldn't waste her time. Same with the mental hospital, nobody would come see me. Nobody cares about me. Nobody would notice if I died right now.

These nightmares... There truth.

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