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lovethehaters [userpic]

Mommy

June 25th, 2015 (10:42 am)

Happy birthday mommy!! I can't believe how long you have been gone. I feel so alone without you. I didn't only loose my mom. I lost my best friend. My only friend that has stuck with me through the years. Thick n thin. Fun and bad. I talked to you about everything!! I'm still so mad at you for leaving me. Its so hard without you. I never knew how much you did for me. For josh! You were a great mom!! No matter what I or anyone else says!! I couldn't have asked for a better more carrying mom. Even if I didn't realize it than, I realize it now. I guess its true, you never really know what you have till its gone. And now your gone and I have nothing left. I lost all want to better myself. All want to move on. To have a family. All I want is to go back in time. Back to the basement in Kent. Back to you, josh, marina and boomer. Thats what I want. N that's what I cant have. :( I love you mommy!! More than anyone knows. I miss you so much it hurts. I cant sleep. I can't eat. I cant smile. I just am...
Happy birthday mommy
I love you

lovethehaters [userpic]

You don't know me anymore

December 20th, 2014 (12:56 am)

I miss the old days. I miss when everything was easy. Shit happens, n things change. I'm not who I use to be. I've changed alot since than. You can say you miss me, but you dint know me anymore. Its been like 5 years since we were together. I've been with Kyle for 4 years. N I have changed dramatically since than. Between loosing my mom, moving to the sticks and living completely on our own. It changes a person. And you cant possible be the same person either. As much as I wish you were. As much as I miss the old days with you Kyra n mom.. Its all different now. I had so many high hopes for myself when i was with you, so happy n full of smiles. Now I work 5 days a week at a damn gas station. Glad I graduated for that. I live pay check to pay check. Its so much harder than my mom made it look. I fake smile every day at work. I swear my town is so small n I fake happiness so well that I could win the peppiest person in town award. N it would be a lie. Shits been tuff the last few years. I haven't taken my moms death very well. I'm a whole new person.
I will always love you in my heart but I will never know if its only the memories or if it would actually work. But for now I'm with Kyle, n I love him. We do good together. We have hard times but we get through them. I'm sorry. Dont think I haven't forgotten you! You had me. You pushed me away. I even waited. I'm sorry. <3

lovethehaters [userpic]

I Miss My Mommy

May 10th, 2012 (02:07 pm)
cold

current location: My Dads
current mood: cold
current song: Fuckin Perfect by Pink

 

The King County Medical Examiner's Office has positively identified a body found in a burned out car over the weekend as 39-year-old Denise Kay Grigsby from the Kent area, a Sheriff's Office press release said today.

Mountain View firefighters responded to a report of a fully engulfed car fire in the area of S.E. 328th Street and S.E. Auburn-Black Diamond Road Sunday morning. It was then that fire investigators discovered Grigsby's burned remains in the trunk of the car.

According to the King County Medical Examiner’s Office the cause of death is listed as homicidal violence.

King County Sheriff’s Office major crimes detectives and fire investigators will be processing the car for evidence today.



BLACK DIAMOND, Wash. -- The medical examiner has identified the remains found inside a torched carover the weekend. 

Denise K. Grigsby, 39, of Kent died of a skull fracture and cerebral contusions, according to the King County Medical Examiner's Office. Her manner of death has been ruled as homicide. 

King County Sheriff's spokeswoman Sgt. Katie Larson said a neighbor spotted the car on fire on SE 328th Street at SE Auburn Black Diamond Road at about 4:10 a.m. Sunday.

Fire crews responded to the scene and found a Toyota Camry engulfed in flames.

After the fire was extinguished, an investigator was called in and made a grisly discovery - the burned remains of a body in the trunk of the car, Larson said.

She said detectives from the King County sheriff's major crimes unit quickly responded to the scene and began meticulously collecting evidence.

A forensics team is now going over every inch of the car to find clues about the killer.

"We're going to recover evidence," Larson said. "There is going to be trace and hopefully other physical evidence that will help us move forward."

Jacob Ramos, the neighbor who spotted the car fire and called 911, said the flames were shooting about five feet above the car.

"It was a lot of thick black smoke .... It was a pretty big fire," he said.

Ramos is now haunted by the knowledge that it wasn't just a car fire, but something worse.

"It's strange. It's very strange and weird to know that there's people like that out here - and somebody that could do that," he said.

Other neighbors in the rural, heavily-wooded area say it is usually very peaceful there, and is a favorite destination for weekend bicycling groups.

"Things like this doesn't happen around here," said Toby Benson, who lives nearby.

Denny Dennis, another neighbor, said, "I mean, it's so quiet out here." Then he added, "Hopefully they got here soon enough so they can figure out what happened. But, I mean, it's horrible."

Anyone with information about the incident is asked to call the King County Sheriff's Office or 911.

"This is an egregious crime," Larson said. "This woman is murdered, and then her body is burned beyond recognition."


lovethehaters [userpic]

You Abandoned Me

May 14th, 2011 (08:48 pm)
current location: Not my room, but it was
current mood: Alone
current song: I'm Sorry - Brokencyde

Yeah, i left, but only because i thought it would get better, work itself out.. I think i'm worse off here. I pretend to be happy. I pretend not to let this stuff bug me but it does. I cant handle all this. This was suppose to be easier. Less stressful. I wasn't suppose to get more depressed.. I wasn't suppose to hope a car would hit me, or to find a secret stash of pills, or a missing razor blade. It was suppose to be happy. I feel like the odd one out. N now I have nothing. I tried, n failed. What am i suppose to do now? I guess i lost. I failed. I really tried though. I really did. This was a mistake. N now i have nowhere to go. I lost one of my only TRUE friends. I lost my ability to smile. I don't want to feel like this. I cant anymore. This has been MONTHS!! Theres like 4 ppl on Earth who actually care. N obviously smoking doesn't help anymore. really, what am i suppose to do now??? Where's home? My home? Where i actually belong?! Where I fit.. Just point me in the right direction!!! I don't know what to do at all anymore!!! Watch me throw down the give up card. Watch me do it. Cuz u didn't try to stop me this time. You didn't even bother to respond. You abandoned me. I didn't leave you, you left me. I'm shaking, i can't eat, can't sleep. I worry about you all the time, you don't even care. Why pretend to care if its just a lie? Lie. Haha Love Is Everything. The ultimate lie as it turns out. I feel like dying n the only person who can help me just doesn't care. The only person who knows the real me, as i am now. Its like i fell n everybody's walking on me, nobody stops to help me up, its just mud under there shoes. Thats how i feel. Like dog shit. I feel nasty. Like nobody wants me around. Like i'm being passed back n forth between people who don't want me in the first place. I don't wanna do this anymore.. i really don't. I'm fine with being called a coward at this point. Nobody gets how i feel anyways.

Goodbye,

Jessimaka

lovethehaters [userpic]

Screaming Mayday-Dot Dot Curve

May 2nd, 2011 (06:40 pm)
depressed

current location: My Bed
current mood: depressed
current song: Screaming Mayday Dot Dot Curve


And for just a second, as my head hit my pillow, my brain cleared. All thoughts gone. & Laying here next to you and boomer... It was perfect.

lovethehaters [userpic]

Another

March 29th, 2011 (06:58 pm)
stressed

current location: My Bed
current mood: stressed

 Yeah. Even after not taking the stupid Nyquil I still had a nightmare. It even woke me up. Didn't think I'd have another one. It was scary. I don't exactly wanna talk about it... But it was straight from the heart. It's like my worst fears are becoming my nightmares. I don't think I wanna try N sleep again soon...

lovethehaters [userpic]

Plzzz

March 28th, 2011 (04:35 pm)
current location: My Bed
current mood: Alone

 I'm sitting here, staring at the razor. Thinking to myself why stop, why not start. Why fight it anymore. Why not just give up. Nothing I do or say can make you understand how I feel. Nobody gets it. Nobody's listening. Nobody's reading this. Its like I'm screaming for help in a room full of deaf people.. I'm there. I'm at the point where I give up. On everything. On love. On family. On friends. On life. A couple days ago I had a few friends texting me about how worried they were about me... but they haven't even tried checking on me. For all they know I could already be dead. They wouldn't care. I feel so alone. So forgotten. I want to die & nobody cares. So why cant I pick it up? Why cant I do it? Why am I still screaming for help in this stupid room filled with deaf people? I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of waking up with tears in my eyes. I'm tired of feeling empty and having no way to fill the emptiness. I try to reach for help n nobody understands.. Am I speaking another language?! I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground... but my head is already in the noose.. Just waiting for me to slip, to loose my balance. My music has changed. I sleep as much as possible. I rarely eat. My mood twists &  turns. The smallest things make me cry. I have no energy to do anything. Not even to fix myself. I'm so broken, n I cant fix it. I feel like I have no chance. No options. No way out. I feel trapped. I use to be so happy... I use to smile. I use to feel.. Now all I feel is numbness. I use to dream of happy things.. now I have nightmares of being alone. I want to cut. I want to watch the blood leave my body, like I had to watch everything else leave me. Everybody always says they will be there for you... but its all a lie. Nobody is here for me anymore. I try to be there for everyone else. I don't know how many of my friends I have talked out of suicide... Look how many of them have come running when I need help. None. But thats humanity right? Live together, Die alone? How fare is that? I just want someone to help me like I did them, but they all turned there back on me. I mean nothing to anybody. I'm the shit on the bottom of your shoes. I'm the trash that has sat in front of your house for months. Will you miss the shit on your shoes? The garbage in front of your house? No.. Maybe at first its a shock that its gone.. but life goes on. Soon you wont even remember. Soon I wont even be a memory. Just a faint sting in the back of your head. So when my family tries to say they didn't know, or that I could have turned to them... I did. I tried everyone in different ways.. But they weren't listening.

lovethehaters [userpic]

Nightmares

March 28th, 2011 (02:19 pm)
depressed

current location: My Bed
current mood: depressed
current song: Take My Picture - Dot Dot Curve

 The first I was in a hospital bed. I was strapped down to the bed. I couldn't move. Nobody was there. I was completely alone. The nurses and doctors had no faces, they spoken in a different language. I cried when they stuck me with the needles. I couldn't reach the water, or the phone. Nobody came to see me, nobody came to tell me what happened, I was alone.

The second was more vivid. It was more of a story though. My mom came home alone at work, I was in the bath tube, bleeding to death. She sent me to a mental hospital. When I was talking to a shrink, I told him what was going on, the scary thing was... what I told him is what I would say right now. It wasn't made up issues. It was truth. Truth of right now! Just like the first, nobody came to see me, nobody called to check in on me. Nobody wrote me. Nobody cared. I told the shrink how I felt about this. The next time I saw the shrink my mom was there. She tried to hug me when I walked in, but I went around her. I looked her in the eyes & asked her if the mental hospital paid her to come. She looked at the floor. I crawled into a ball on the floor and uncontrollably cried. She left. They put me back in my "room". White walls, two single beds, no pictures, no windows. My very own hell.

This might not seem scary to you... but it is for me. Because its true, if something happened N I had to go to the hospital nobody would come see me. My dad wouldn't take the time off work. My mom wouldn't waste her time. Same with the mental hospital, nobody would come see me. Nobody cares about me. Nobody would notice if I died right now.

These nightmares... There truth.

lovethehaters [userpic]

Im tired..

March 26th, 2011 (06:17 pm)
current location: My Bed
current mood: alone

 Im tired of being a disappointment. Im tired of fighting with everyone. Im tired of not being good enough for anyone or anything. Im tired of feeling nothing. Im tired feeling alone. Im tired of doing everything wrong. Im tired of having happy dreams n than waking up to this so called life. Im tired of crying. Im tired of wishing. Im tired of everyone telling me to give up on you. Im tired of being the only one who believes it could be ok again. Im tired of getting hurt. Im tired of letting myself get hurt. Im tired of caring. Im tired of being alive. I wanna give up on my life. I really do. Your the only one keeping me here... N i dont think you even want me around at this point... I wanna die n nobody cares. Im tired of reaching out to people who dont understand how serious I am. I WANT TO DIE!! Is that big enough for everyone to see? I dont know how much more i can take. N its not your fault. Its a number of things. A number of people. I dont know what else to do. I dont know what else i can say. I love you n you keep pushing me away. Whats gunna happen when you push me away to far... out of reach... what than? Im almost there.... N im scared!! I wanna be there for you. I wanna help. But you cant keep pushing me away... Cuz i might not come back. N this isnt a threat. or a promise. its a warning.. I dont want it to happen. My head is spinning. Its one big black hole. I dont even know what to think anymore. Im so confussed. So hurt. That nothing makes sense anymore. I have one text in my phone that gives me hope. N i keep reading it over n over. But its old.. From August.. How am i suppose to rely on something you said in August.. things might have changed. You might not believe that anymore. Somebody asked me to forward you the message n ask if its still true. I told them I cant because I wanna keep believeing its true. I wanna stay in my fantasy world, the one where i go back to the future n live out the happyiest days of my life again. Where i was happy. Where everything was ok. For the most part.. I dont wanna face reality becuase I cant. I cant do it. N im sorry. n if you want this to be it than just say it n ill go away. N it wont be your fault. It will be our fault. Just kno that I will always love you
 

lovethehaters [userpic]

My Side

January 29th, 2011 (01:11 pm)
guilty

current location: My Moms Bed
current mood: guilty

So lemmie explain what you cant see.

Dakota, I love you. Honestly. I havent been able to move on because you were perfect. I thought everthing was great! It just changed. I never really understood why. I cant move on because in my eyes, you are my Mr. Perfect. I get that im not your perfect though. & I really am trying to move on. I see your side & I agree. You should be able to move on, you should be able to live your life. Even if im not a part of it.
 
But asking me to hang out with you and Angel would be like me asking you to hang out with me n Thomas. Me going to Kent, to wait 2 hours for you to get out of school would suck. But than to watch you and her flirt n hold hands... that would tear me up. It would be worse than when I hung out before with you guys. Do you lelise what your asking me to do? I dont want to watch you move on. I kno you are moving on, but I cant watch. It makes me feel like nothing.

You cant expect me to act like a friend if you dont treat me like a friend though. It really does hurt alot that you didnt tell me. You call us friends but you refuse to talk to me about anything. I know I cant help but I just wanna feel like you want me as a friend. Right now I dont even feel like you want me around.

N I get that you wanna hang out. I do. But just remember, I sit here alone all day waiting for you and my mom to get home. When neither of you come home on time I feel forgoten. N i know thats not your fault, but when you complain about not hanging out alot remember that the only person I get to hang out with is You.

Literly, Thomas is even bored of me because I never get to hang out or anything. N Alex is leaving. I have no one. Im completly alone. All the time. I have nobody to talk to. Knobody who cares. Nothing.

So Im sorry, but your all I have.

I hope you understand

<3

Jessimaka

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